Keeping up faith.

18 weeks & 3 days – fetal meds again, should move my stuff in here, mind I’m not moaning I love having regular scans and watching my baby grow. Our results for the CF testing came back & they were fine, so baby doesn’t have Cycstic Fibrosis. Baby’s bowel loops are still growing, but they finally they found baby’s stomach!! It was just hiding this whole time!! Good news for once, baby has an abnormal heart axis with a VSD (hole in its heart). We had a consultation with the doctor, he told us that he doesn’t think MY baby will survive long after delivery.. Why?! How?! I don’t understand?! This doctor has just sat there and ripped my heart out of my chest, how can he just presume that? I’m broken.. heart broken.. it hurts so bad, it’s the pain I feel deep in my bones, it’s not fair.. not my baby.

Praying for my miracle.

16 weeks & 3 days – back again at fetal meds, the midwifes here are so lovely, never fail to make you feel special and they always give you time, never try to rush you out the door. More bad news today, it seems to be all we’re ever hearing – baby’s thorax now appears a little small, bowel loops have grown and it doesn’t look like they are going to stop growing, the sonographer still couldn’t find baby’s stomach and the baby’s kidneys are conjoined and are what they call a “horseshoe kidney” – there is two kidneys but they’re joint at the bottom and in the shape of a horseshoe, yet again my amniotic fluid was reduced. The doctor I normally see after my scans was unavailable today so we spoke to somebody else who told us that some of the symptoms baby has could be pointing towards cycstic fibrosis and asked if me & my partner would like to be tested so we could find out the possibility of baby having CF. The crazy thing is I walk into this hospital being so strong and positive and walk out in a million pieces, I’m crushed, it hurts more and more every week. my poor baby.

My baby.

15 weeks 4 days – back at fetal meds again today, it’s been a long 3 weeks full of worry and stress, I’ve been out and bought a home heartbeat Doppler which has been a big help, but I hate getting up in the morning not knowing if I’m going to be able to find my baby’s heartbeat or not. Today my scan wasn’t too good of quality as my fluid around the baby is reduced, so the picture wasn’t as clear. Baby’s diaphragm and stomach could not be found/seen today, the baby’s bowel loops have also grown, baby’s kidneys are fussed crossed – appear echogenic and there is also a possible cyst on the right side, and they also found out that baby has an abnormal leg, there is only one bone visable (right side) and baby’s left leg/foot is bowed. It seems like every time I’m back at this place my heart breaks more, they always find another problem with baby. My doctor discussed having an Amniocentosis at my next appointment which I agreed on as he thinks with the outcome he has already given us and baby’s other problems that it is suggestive that baby may have Edwards Sydrome, he also suggested termination but yet again, as I will always do – refuse to give up on my baby. 

First appointment at fetal meds.

12 weeks & 4 days – So I’ve been back for my second scan, first time at fetal medicine today, yet again it didn’t go how I wanted it too. My baby is growing nicely but we’ve now been told that the appearances are suggestive of a cycstic hygroma. I have never heard of a cycstic hygroma until today but it doesn’t sound very nice, My baby also has fluid filled pockets in its neck, dilated fluid filled loops of bowel has also been noted and there is also multiple cord cysts. The sonographer was also suspicious of an abnormal heart axis. After my scan I had a consulatation with my doctor where we (me, mum & partner) were told that baby had – 50% chance of a chromosomal abnormality, 15% cardiac abnormalities, 75% fetal demise before 20 weeks. I was crushed, in a matter of seconds I’d gone from being on top of the world to feeling ten feet under. The doctor offered us a termination, but I could never ever choose to end my baby’s life, it’s my baby and I will fight with my last breath for him/her. 

first blog post – 1st scan.

11 weeks 1 day

11 weeks & 1 day – Today was my first appointment at the hospital for a scan since finding out that I am pregnant, it has been a long time coming – feels like I have been counting down the days forever. There is nothing quite like seeing your baby on screen for the first time, it all suddenly becomes real. IM GOING TO BE A MUM!!!! I think we all (Partner, Mum & my auntie) sat in awe at this little blob on the screen, so little yet so so precious. My first scan didn’t go quite as I had wanted it to – the sonographer had picked up 2 “minor” problems; one being that baby had ‘fluid filled tubular structures noted in fetal pelvis/abdomen’ and also that a ‘physiological hernia’ was also seen, but I am told it is nothing to worry about and that it is very common. So I am now being referred to Fetal Medicine for an appointment for the week after next just to be sure, fingers crossed that it will have disappeared like the midwife says it will.