My little thumb sucker.

31 weeks & 1 day – Back at fetal meds this morning, just for a reasurance scan (taking my Nan with me today as she’s never been to a scan before), I get so excited about seeing my little wriggler on screen every week, he was waving his arms about on screen & sucking on his thumb today, he weighs 2lb 4oz so he’s slowly putting weight on, but the doctor told me that being scanned so regularly can also make his weight gain slow down. Then it’s the dreaded moment.. into the room with my Doctor again, usually the worst part of my visit but it went a lot better than usual today, the doctor told me that they held a meeting yesterday with all the baby Doctors to sort out some planning for when my baby decides he wants to makes his appearance. He also told me that there will be a senior specialist there incase things go better than expected. More planning to be done for next week now, I’m so excited to meet my handsome little boy. I’m obsessed with him already. My love, my life. 

My neonatal appointment.

30 weeks & 2 days – my neonatal appointment for today couldn’t have gone any worse, I didnt really want this appointment today as the last time I saw my neonatal nurse she really upset me, she just seemed so cold and blunt about my baby not surving. Today I took my auntie, partner and mum just for support. I’ve been trying to prepare myself for days for what I think she will say but it’s so hard. So we sit down ready for this conversation, and she’s off straight away.. negative, negative, negative .. “your baby won’t make surgery” “your baby’s lungs are not developed” “you won’t take your baby home” she rolls them off he tongue and it’s like she doesn’t care, she can see she’s killing me with each and every word that comes out of her mouth and she’s not bothered, I’m breaking right in front of her and it’s like she doesn’t care? Is she unaware of what she’s doing to me right now? My auntie tells me to go out of the room for a breather, and that she would speak to the nurse.. the nurse point blank refused speaking to anyone apart from me, knowing full well it’s hurting me to speak and I don’t wanna speak to her. So I sit outside and have a breather and try to compose myself to go back into the room.. we go back in and she tries to speak to me again.. with the exact same words she told me just now that had upset me!! I’m getting no where I want to go home, I don’t want to speak to this nurse. My mum went and spoke to the midwife who asked if we want to re-arrange another appointment with her which I agree too, I find it so much easier to put it off, maybe next time I can try to prepare myself a little more. I know my baby will survive this battle, I know it and I don’t want to speak about ifs & buts, I don’t want to plan my baby’s funeral. My baby will show them all wrong, like he has from day one, I know he will. He’s my miracle boy💙

Faith for my boy.

30 weeks & 1 day – back to fetal meds, the usual routine. It’s so lush seeing my handsome little man on screen every week, the scan was so much clearer this week (although there is still no fluid around baby at all) so I’m not too sure why but still no changes which is fine, it’s better than more bad news, and no news is good news.. right?? This weeks scan picture is crazy (I will attach below) – my baby actually looks like a baby and not a skeleton, I’m so obsessed with his little chubby cheeks already, he’s so bloody perfect!! My nerves for labour are now starting to kick in as we’re preparing my birthing plan next week and will be induced early so he should be here within the next 6 weeks, I’m so scared yet so so excited.. I’m going to meet the love of my life, I can’t wait to kiss his little porkie face and to hold my son in my arms. I’m back at the hospital tomorrow to see my Neonatal nurse so will update then.

Positive vibes.

29 weeks & 1 day – today was a good day, got to see my little fighter on screen again.. yet again had his little arms up ready to fight, even caught it on the scan photo! It’s a sign, I know it is.. for him to put his little arms up like a boxer twice now – he’s telling me he’s gunna fight. He’s got strong genes and he’s going to continue to prove every one wrong like he has from day 1. He’s growing lovely 2lb 1oz now, getting bigger and bigger which is a really good sign, into see The doctor but there’s no changes really, which is so much nicer to hear than bad news every week!! We then had an appointment with the cardiologist which I couldn’t have asked to go any better really, I’m so used to the bad news and the bad vibes but he was so positive today; he told us that 90% of baby’s born with the heart condition that my baby boy has will survive if they are born breathing so that was the boost I’ve needed lately!! He went on to his computer and searched all the babies born with the same condition and only 3 had passed (after birth) which was before 2009, and it’s as he said – the doctors have so much knowledge and equipment these days that they can work miracles, which is exactly what my baby boy is.. a miracle.. So my boys heart is no longer our biggest worry or problem, his lungs are.. I will be having the steroid shots but it’ll be between 7-10 days before I give birth, I will be induced by 36 weeks if I don’t go/need to go before hand, I will be at the hospital weekly now so they can keep a close eye on me & my boy. More bloods today but the GTT was not needed thank god! The smile has NOT come of my face today!! Lots more appointments coming up but it’s lovely to know I’m well supported at the hospital and my boy will be getting everything he needs, one happy mummy to be today. Nothing and no one is wiping this smile off my face. It’s the first time in so long I’ve walked out of this hospital feeling a bit more relieved.

I won’t give up.

27 weeks & 2 days – another scan to see my growing boy again! He’s weighing 1lb 13oz now! My little chunky monkey, he had his arms up in the ultrasound showing us that he is ready for this big fight he’s got coming up now, proving us wrong since day one and I KNOW he will continue todo so, I have every belief in my boy. The doctor answered all questions I asked and I felt a lot better after today’s meeting than normal, I know they’re going to try everything for my boy all that is ALL that matters to me, we’re even going to give the steroids a shot as his lungs are so underdeveloped that the doctors don’t think he will be able to breath, but the steroids could help that –  I mean everything is worth a try and I will do anything that gives my baby a chance, the steroid shots helped me (I was born prem, only 2lb 5oz) we also spoke a little about my birthing plan today –  I will be giving birth by 36 weeks as they will induce me, and I am allowed a water birth which I have read up is a little easier and calmer and may also help as I will be having a dry birth as there is no fluid at all around my little boy. 

Today has broken me.

26 weeks and 2 days – hospital appointment to see my gorgeous little BOY today, lots of kicks of my handsome lately. I was not ready for today, not for what I have been told – I’ve had the most horrific news that I’ve ever heard or thought about hearing, I wasn’t ready for this, I never will be .. my beautiful baby boy will be put on palliative care as they don’t think he’ll be strong enough for surgery if he comes out breathing.. how can they do that? How can they just leave my little boy?! From the day I found out I was pregnant I’ve done everything right. Even before I was pregnant I’ve never smoked, never done drugs, only drank occasionally so I don’t understand why?! I mean there’s people out there that don’t care about hurting there babies and I’m trying to protect mine by doing everything I can but it’s not working out that way!! My baby boy.. my poor poor baby! it hurts, it’s kills.. deep in my bones, I’m a mess. I’m a failure, I’m sorry my boy😪 I will fight for you, with every breath in my body!! I promise todo what I can and so much more. It’s crazy how my boy is moving and kicking daily, he doesn’t have a care in the world while he’s inside me but he’s got to come out to have his life taken from him, it’s not fair!! I want to keep him safe & secure forever, I wish…

Mothers instinct.

25 weeks and 1 day – more hospital appointments, first of all a scan to see how my little miracle is doing.. growing very fast that’s what I can tell you!! 1lb 8oz my little chunk, baby is doing okay! I’m so glad I’ve made it to the 24week mark, that just means so much to me, it’s like a weight has been lifted of my shoulders especially knowing they have to try and fight for my baby, it’s just brought me so much relief. Into see my doctor and as per usual he made me cry.. it’s crazy how I can walk into the hospital being so positive and have a bright outlook for me and baby and walk out so torn down & just completely broken not knowing what to think. Scan again for the second time today .. cardiologist this time – baby has many heart problems, including tubes not working properly – not opening & shutting & are leaking, aswell as a large hole in the heart – which is currently doing baby more good than harm! baby will have to be born in Bristol but that’s okay, because that’s where the best doctors are, and Doctors can work miracles these days so I shall just keeping praying and hoping for the best, obviously again termination was offered but my answer will always be the same – I will give my baby every shot at life, I will try anything that may give my baby a glimmer of hope. It’s killing me the one thing as a woman I should be able todo is carry my baby safely & it seems I can’t even do that, I’m failing. I’m 25 weeks & 1 day today & they want to induce me at 36 weeks, as long as my little miracle keeps doing what s/he is doing I’m sure my baby has a lot of fight ready to prove this world wrong, to come home with me, my hope will be forever strong. My mother’s instinct keeps telling me that my baby WILL win this fight.