My angel.

35 weeks – Monday my contractions started, it come to about 10pm and I was in bed with my mum and they were getting closer and more painful, a about 10:45/10:50 I could feel my body shaking in pain, my contractions were getting about 3 minutes apart, I got up for a wee and by the time I’d got back into the bedroom my mum was up, dressed and on the phone to the hospital saying we were going in – “no mum I’ll be fine I don’t need to go in yet” I was telling her, but she insisted to go and just get checked. My auntie drove and picked us up about half 11, 12pm, got to hospital and the midwifes put me in my own little room. The midwife checked and I was 3cm – she asked if I wanted to go home but mum refused told me to stay in so I could have the gas & air. My sister was supposed to be one of my birthing partners but she was in work, so I gave her a quick video call at about 1am, she told me to keep my legs closed and she’d be in at 10am in the morning, I said I’d try and I’d see her tomorrow. I thought I needed a wee, got up and went to the toilet but nope, back into bed I go, and within minutes I have the urge to push, my baby wasn’t making me wait – mum rang the alarm and the midwife came down, she checked and said there was no sign of my boy, she turned the alarm of and before she could get out of the door I was shouting “his heads out” mum ripped the blanket back and I was right? His head was out – my baby was here. 8 minutes after being on a video call with my sister, he was beautiful – literally an angel, the midwife picked my baby up and put him on the weighing scales – he laid there so perfectly and peacefully with his hand across his belly – 2lb 8oz, my baby was just 3oz heavier than I was, they passed my baby for a cuddle and my god I have never seen anything so beautiful, he has blue eyes, the smallest and cutest Button nose, chunky cheeks and the most perfect pouty lips which were shaped like a heart, my first love, my son. I had a shower (because midwifes made me – didn’t want to put my baby down) whilst I had a shower my mum had a cuddle, I got back into bed and literally stared at her, such a proud nanny – mum gave my baby back, and we sat whispering, it was like he was just asleep. I sat staring at my baby in awe just waiting for the gasp of air and for everything to be alright. Me and my mum sat crying tears for 5 hours – tears of sadness but also tears of happiness as weird as it sounds – we were proud, I was the proudest mummy ever, she must’ve told me she was proud of me about 1000 times, so much love in one little room. I spent an amazing 66 hours and 45 minutes with my angel, I honestly cherished every single second that I got, the nights I got to lay in bed with my baby next to me, moments I will never ever forget. Before I had Charlie I didn’t want visitors but as soon as he was here I changed my mind instantly, I wanted to show my beautiful boy off – almost all of my family came in to meet Charlie. Everyone commented on Charlie’s nose and mum kept calling him “Charlie Button” and it stuck, my baby’s name is Charlie Button Atkins. My baby had such perfect hands, little dumpy hands. He was beautiful, it’s crazy how you can hold everything you have in your arms. We had Charlie blessed, which was lovely – even if we cried all the way throughout. Thursday soon came around, and I had to say goodbye to my baby. No time would ever be long enough but 2 days was definitely not enough. I kissed my baby and held him close to my heart. 6:25pm the midwife walked in, I passed Charlie to her and she put him in his Moses basket, I kissed him once again before she took my baby. It felt like I had just been stabbed in the heart, the pain was and is excrushiating. My baby was my reason for living and he’s gone, I close my eyes and back in the room with Charlie in my arms, I would do anything to go back, I wouldn’t change it because I kissed him as much as I could, I slept next to my baby both nights, I held him close to my heart at every chance I could, I sniffed my baby’s scent every second. I have beautiful beautiful memories with my boy, so many gorgeous photos. If I could I would change it all, I wish my baby was here. I would do absolutely anything to do the things that other mothers moan about and take for granted. I’d be so so happy to be woken at all hours to change a nappy, or to do a feed. How am I a mum when I can’t do all the other things that normal mothers do? I hate every single second of every single day because it’s another second without my baby. The pain of knowing I will never see my baby again, never watch him grow or give him a cuddle absolutely breaks me. People tell me it will get easier but at the moment it’s getting worse, a lot worse. I have days where I don’t want to exists, there is no pain like the pain of loosing your child. My Charlie Button – fly high mummy’s prince. I love and miss you unconditionally always. 

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4 thoughts on “My angel.

  1. I have just read your blog I lost my beautiful baby boy Ethan March 30th I was 33weeks and 5 days I feel your pain. I know how each day gets worst. I’m so so sorry for your loss and I do wish you wasn’t in this place keep hold of every memory you have as silly as it sounds remember your a special mum your a Angel mum.

    Liked by 1 person

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