Now..

Grief, 5 letters that control my whole life. When I lost my beautiful little boy I lost me, I’m a complete and utter different person to who I was back before my baby.

Alcohol? Such an easy depressant. Drink to forget? To stop the pain? Problems still there the next day, pain also – and I’m learning this the hard way.

My whole life is a turntable, never know when the next break down is going to be or what is gunna trigger it – fine one minute and breaking the next. I’m a mess, a complete utter mess; but this is me now.

I’m trying to adapt as this is my new life, every day all day. I suppose I’ll learn to live with the regret and hurt. The hurt I have to live with every day, that I stole my mums first grandchild, my brothers and sisters first nephew. The questions I ask myself daily – could I have done more? Did I kill my baby? Why me? Did I take my vitamins every day? The questions kill me more and more every day.

Depression? Something I’ve recently been diagnosed with. Most babies bring joy and happiness, mine brought me antidepressants. My body is trying to fight but the demons in my head are winning, I’ve more cuts than friends, sleeping tablets to knock me out daily. I’m literally living my own nightmare. And I hate it.

Happy Birthday baby boy.

1 year, 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days. I’m sat here trying to figure out which one sounds like the least amount of time that I’ve been away from you but I can’t seem to figure it out. Within this year I learnt so much; I learnt what love is, what loss is and what grief is. This last year has been so hard but oh so full of lessons – I’ve learnt that good people can change a lot when they get their heart broken, I’ve learnt that I love beyond belief, I’ve learnt that grief is one of the hardest things to come to terms with, I’ve learnt that no matter how many times I close my eyes I can still see your beautiful face, I’ve learnt that no matter how long I’ve been away from you I still remember you with every single heartbeat, I’ve learnt strength even when I’m not feeling so strong. My baby Button, god how you have changed me. Life is so different now. I don’t live, I just kind of exist. Missing you stripped me to a whole new soul level. I was never prepared to live the rest of my life without you. I’ve learnt that it’s fine to have my days when it gets too heavy – when I just have to sit and catch my breath. Or the days where I’m a complete mess and it’s fine just to let it all hit me, to surrender to the grief. I suppose that one day the grief will become normal to me. Charlie Button, my 2lb 8oz of utter perfection – I miss you in ways I didn’t know it was possible. You’re in every thought and every thing that I do. I wasn’t ever ready to say goodbye to you and certainly not that soon. I will be ever grateful for the 66 hours and 45 minutes that I spent with you, my little boy – you will never ever be forgotten. Our love is a bond that not even death will part. I can not hold you in my arms so I will forever hold you in my heart. It’s crazy how your life can change in an instant, just days off being induced and welcoming you into this world. But my baby you had different plans than to walk in this cruel world so beautiful wings you grew and up you flew to heaven. I have a reason to wait impatiently until the day that I’m called to be with you. I don’t remember what it feels like not to be broken, to not want to get out of bed in the morning and to not want to function. You are my first thought when I wake and my final thought when I sleep – you are my never ending beautiful story. I constantly question if I could’ve done more? Or if there was something I could have done to save you. I lay awake at night wondering if something I did harmed you – if I never carried a heavy bag would you be here now? If I’d not stressed and argued so much would you have been okay? I have so many fears and they’re just a daily torture for myself. I miss you baby, I miss you so so so much, and love you much more. Always and forever, mummy’s little fighter. X27657916_1830121407038297_7493624900089522654_n

Fly high my little darling.

Thursday 18th May – I sat in the window waiting desperately, my baby was coming home for the night!! Not how he should be, but in his beautiful pure white coffin. The funeral director brought you in and laid you in your Moses basket, I felt happy to have you home but was dreading the next day. I went to bed and brought you up with me and slept next to you, thinking about you. I woke up and instantly wanted to go back to sleep, I wasn’t ready for today to come around.. Friday 19th May. Yet again another horrendous day, before I knew it the funeral director was at the door ready, but I was not. I didn’t want to say goodbye, I don’t want this to be the end. I sat in the hurse holding my mum and sisters hand so tight, tears just rolling uncontrollably down my face. It shouldn’t be like this, I want my baby. We get to the church and my amazing brother carried Charlie Button, I walked behind with my mum and sister either side – and I’m so glad they were there because they held me when I tried running, my heart was broken but now it’s shattering. I sat at the front holding my mums hand, wishing to wake up from this horrendous nightmare, I don’t really remember much of being inside of the church but I remember hearing my baby’s song “hug him once for me” whilst in hospital when me & Charlie were on our own, I put it on so it would always be our song, as soon as I heard it, I was back in the room.. kissing my boy and holding him tightly, I’d do anything to go back and be with my baby. When the service was over, we went up to the crematorium where they lowered Charlie into the ground, with his teddy laying on top of his coffin, I sprinkled some blue rose petals on top. Fly high baby boy, your the brightest star in the sky. Mummy loves & misses you unconditionally. My little darling.

My angel.

35 weeks – Monday my contractions started, it come to about 10pm and I was in bed with my mum and they were getting closer and more painful, a about 10:45/10:50 I could feel my body shaking in pain, my contractions were getting about 3 minutes apart, I got up for a wee and by the time I’d got back into the bedroom my mum was up, dressed and on the phone to the hospital saying we were going in – “no mum I’ll be fine I don’t need to go in yet” I was telling her, but she insisted to go and just get checked. My auntie drove and picked us up about half 11, 12pm, got to hospital and the midwifes put me in my own little room. The midwife checked and I was 3cm – she asked if I wanted to go home but mum refused told me to stay in so I could have the gas & air. My sister was supposed to be one of my birthing partners but she was in work, so I gave her a quick video call at about 1am, she told me to keep my legs closed and she’d be in at 10am in the morning, I said I’d try and I’d see her tomorrow. I thought I needed a wee, got up and went to the toilet but nope, back into bed I go, and within minutes I have the urge to push, my baby wasn’t making me wait – mum rang the alarm and the midwife came down, she checked and said there was no sign of my boy, she turned the alarm of and before she could get out of the door I was shouting “his heads out” mum ripped the blanket back and I was right? His head was out – my baby was here. 8 minutes after being on a video call with my sister, he was beautiful – literally an angel, the midwife picked my baby up and put him on the weighing scales – he laid there so perfectly and peacefully with his hand across his belly – 2lb 8oz, my baby was just 3oz heavier than I was, they passed my baby for a cuddle and my god I have never seen anything so beautiful, he has blue eyes, the smallest and cutest Button nose, chunky cheeks and the most perfect pouty lips which were shaped like a heart, my first love, my son. I had a shower (because midwifes made me – didn’t want to put my baby down) whilst I had a shower my mum had a cuddle, I got back into bed and literally stared at her, such a proud nanny – mum gave my baby back, and we sat whispering, it was like he was just asleep. I sat staring at my baby in awe just waiting for the gasp of air and for everything to be alright. Me and my mum sat crying tears for 5 hours – tears of sadness but also tears of happiness as weird as it sounds – we were proud, I was the proudest mummy ever, she must’ve told me she was proud of me about 1000 times, so much love in one little room. I spent an amazing 66 hours and 45 minutes with my angel, I honestly cherished every single second that I got, the nights I got to lay in bed with my baby next to me, moments I will never ever forget. Before I had Charlie I didn’t want visitors but as soon as he was here I changed my mind instantly, I wanted to show my beautiful boy off – almost all of my family came in to meet Charlie. Everyone commented on Charlie’s nose and mum kept calling him “Charlie Button” and it stuck, my baby’s name is Charlie Button Atkins. My baby had such perfect hands, little dumpy hands. He was beautiful, it’s crazy how you can hold everything you have in your arms. We had Charlie blessed, which was lovely – even if we cried all the way throughout. Thursday soon came around, and I had to say goodbye to my baby. No time would ever be long enough but 2 days was definitely not enough. I kissed my baby and held him close to my heart. 6:25pm the midwife walked in, I passed Charlie to her and she put him in his Moses basket, I kissed him once again before she took my baby. It felt like I had just been stabbed in the heart, the pain was and is excrushiating. My baby was my reason for living and he’s gone, I close my eyes and back in the room with Charlie in my arms, I would do anything to go back, I wouldn’t change it because I kissed him as much as I could, I slept next to my baby both nights, I held him close to my heart at every chance I could, I sniffed my baby’s scent every second. I have beautiful beautiful memories with my boy, so many gorgeous photos. If I could I would change it all, I wish my baby was here. I would do absolutely anything to do the things that other mothers moan about and take for granted. I’d be so so happy to be woken at all hours to change a nappy, or to do a feed. How am I a mum when I can’t do all the other things that normal mothers do? I hate every single second of every single day because it’s another second without my baby. The pain of knowing I will never see my baby again, never watch him grow or give him a cuddle absolutely breaks me. People tell me it will get easier but at the moment it’s getting worse, a lot worse. I have days where I don’t want to exists, there is no pain like the pain of loosing your child. My Charlie Button – fly high mummy’s prince. I love and miss you unconditionally always. 

They’re wrong.

34 weeks & 5 days – they’re wrong, the Doctors are wrong, I’ve been feeling my baby moving all day and yesterday after my scan, my belly was changing shape where my baby was laying on one side too, I got my heart Doppler out and I could hear my baby’s heart, my and my mum were amazed, my baby is okay – so mum phoned the hospital and they’ve told me to go for a scan, fingers and toes crossed all the way, we go in and they scan me straight away – my mum held my hand so tight, begging for the sonographer to tell me they’d made a mistake yesterday, but she didn’t her exact words were “I believe the findings yesterday are correct, do you want to see?” I didn’t want too, but I did – because I was positive my baby was okay and they were wrong, she turned the screen to me and I could see my boy, but no heartbeat. I was taken into a room where my consultant came in, he made me an appointment for Sunday to have an internal, then back on Monday to be induced. My consultant also told me that it’s such a cruel thing but even after a baby passes you can still feel them move with you, and the heart beat I could hear was the maternal heartbeat. How can you loose everything you’ve ever wanted in seconds, how do you go from being on top of the world to nothing, I honestly had it set in my head today that they had made a mistake. I would’ve been a good mum, I know it. 

My baby, my son.

34 weeks & 3 days – excited is an understatement, it feels like forever since I saw my bouncing bundle of joy on screen! Sat in the waiting room to be scanned for what felt like forever, and finally my name is called – into the room we go, I lay on the bed pull my top and get ready to see my baby. The sonographer started to scan me, no words spoken she was very silent until she asked another lady to scan me, scared was an understatement – I stare at my mum who’s sat just across the room whilst the lady scans me, the next thing I feel a hand on my leg and hear the words “Kayleigh, I’m so sorry” – I have never felt so much pain in my life, them 4 words broke me, for the last 34 weeks I have clung on to every tiny bit of hope that I could, I really thought my boy had this in the bag – how can my baby be gone? No. 

My precious son.

32 weeks & 1 day – Back at fetal meds today for another reassurance scan. My little porkie was full of smiles in today’s scan.. opening and closing his mouth & wriggling round the screen, he’s so contented in there. Today’s meeting was a little positive again – the Doctors are now very confused as they think my baby’s kidneys are working and that he is producing fluid but it’s getting trapped in his bowel, but for some unknown reason today I had fluid around the baby – only a little – 1.5CM but that’s a lot considering I’ve had none at all since 22 weeks, and at 18 weeks it was only 0.7CM, they think that he has a hole between his bladder & bowel but won’t know for certain until the baby is here. Next appointment is on the 27th for final bits of planning to be ready for when my little man makes his appearance, 4 weeks and I get to meet my precious son, my reason for living. 💙